Desiring devotion

I grew up believing in God without having a clue what He is like.  I called myself a Christian, was pretty involved in church, and tried to stay away from all of the things that "good Christians" avoid - drinking, drugs, sex, swearing.  Christianity was simple: fight your desires in order to please God. Whenever I failed (which was often), I'd walk around feeling guilty and distant from God.  In hindsight, I don't think my church's teachings were incorrect, just incomplete.  My view of God was narrow and small.  ~Francis Chan, Crazy Love

Does anyone else have this struggle?  As I read those words this morning, all I could think was, "Yes!  This is exactly how I was raised and how I feel.  I understand!"  How many days have I began with my heart intent on being like Christ and by noon my resolve has completely fallen apart because life happened and things got hard and I reacted in my human way?  Which is followed up with feeling like I will never get it right, like I am a disappointment and a failure.  Then I begin to hear those words: you always mess things up, you'll never be perfect, how could God love someone like you, you will never be enough.  And once again, I feel like God is a million miles away.

I've struggled with this negative thought process for years.  Many factors went into creating it such as my upbringing, the church I was raised in, and the pressure to be perfect, to name a few.  But I think the main key to transforming those thoughts lies in not knowing who God truly is and what His character is like.  Just like Francis said, my view of God is narrow and small.  I struggle to believe that He can love me in spite of all the things that I do wrong and in all the ways that I feel like I fail Him. 

A month or so ago, I was telling God just that, that there was no way that He could ever fully love me and that I couldn't keep asking for His forgiveness when I mess up.  And I felt God say some of the most freeing words that I've ever heard: Why not? Why can you not turn around and run back to me?  I don't ask or expect perfection.  I desire devotion.  Devotion to me and a desire to know me more.  No one is perfect, Lindsey.  The only perfect person was my son, Jesus, and there is no one like him.  Don't desire perfection; desire devotion.  The entire world struggles with sin.  You are not alone.  And even in your sin, I am with you.  Offering a way out, holding out forgiveness to you, extending grace and love.  It is always available and I offer it to you freely. Come to me and repent.  Turn from your sin and turn to me and I will show you a better way. I am with you each step of the way.  You are never alone, Lindsey.

Loving.  Gracious.  Grace-filled.  True.  Beautiful.  Healing.  Life changing. 

God, help me to desire devotion instead of perfection.  Open my heart to know more of Your grace and Your goodness.  Show me more each day who You are and the depths of Your love for me.